I have now been married an entire week, crack open the champagne. After I gave a speech at a friends wedding I posted it here. I thought it only fitting that I post the speech I made at my own wedding. So here it is.
I would like to start by thanking everybody for coming today and sharing in this monumental occasion, admittedly there are times where it’s seemed more mental than monu (whatever monu means) but without all of you here today to help us celebrate our day there can be no doubt in anybodies minds that there would definitely have been far more food for me. Insert here the inevitable line about trawling the internet for things and blah blah blah. I did check stuff out on the internet and it appears that are only about 3 examples of speech on there. The serious one, the one done as a “quirky” poem and the funny one. I’m not big on plagiarism so I didn’t want to copy anyone elses speech, this of course could turn out to be a mistake as your stuck with what I have to say instead. Anyway In all seriousness though from family to friends, distant relatives to acquaintances, colleagues to nosey passers by and not forgetting those invited out of an imposed or implied necessity both myself and my wife thank you dearly for coming. We would also like to thank anybody who has bought us a gift regardless of what form that takes, we wouldn’t expect anybody to buy us anything at all so we appreciate your generosity as it will go some way to offsetting the cost of the food and booze you have just consumed.
Not everybody can be with us today, mainly because we don’t know everybody and as accomodating as Mount Pleasant have been I think inviting over 6 Billion people would probably be a bit of a mistake. However for the people that unfortunately cannot be here with us today we hope they are thinking of us as we are of them.
Ladies and Gentleman please raise your glass to absent family and friends
It’s safe to say that I wouldn’t be here today without knowing the address in advance, but in addition to this I have to thank my parents. Throughout my life they have always been there for me, seriously ALWAYS, you just can’t shake em. But for all their interfering, telling me what to do, what to think and telling me which women were right and wrong for me, it just turns out that they are pretty much always bang on the nose right. Have you any idea how infuriating that is, how dare they, how dare they indeed. Very few people have had anywhere near as much influence on my life, and being the kinda guy I am I never tell them and pretty much object to everything they say to their faces before quietly following their advice behind their backs. So I guess I should admit now that I couldn’t have done any of things I have achieved in my life without you. Thankyou so much.
As many of you know my family has increased in size over the last few years, we are blessed to have these drains on resources in our lives. However the children have not been the only expansion to my family, Shirley and John have bizzarely accepted this big hulking child in a mans body in childs clothing like I was another mistake that their daughter had made and hoped would go away quickly. This not being the case they decided to make the best of a bad situation and treat me almost as if I was a part of the family. I can only thank them for raising their daughter to be such a poor judge of character. But I thank you both for the help you have given us over the course of our relationship and for caring for our children the way you do it’s truly made me feel like a part of the family. I’d especially like to thank Shirley without whom this wedding would not have been possible, she has sacrificed many a holiday to help us prepare for this day which is in part responsible for the economic downturn in Europe.
We are a modern family complete with our own set of inverted commas, and I would feel somewhat remiss if I didn’t also mention Carol, Andrew, Jane and Darren. The extent of our family is measurable only by the amount of love, comfort and support it brings with it and I would like to thank you all.
Ladies and gentleman if you will, a toast to My parents Anne & John and to Jen’s Shirley & John
I have known Neil longer than I’ve had a beard, and that’s a long time. He’s been there for me through thick and thin but as time goes on there seems to be less of the thin which I think goes for both of us. He’s been a great friend and although we have had periods where we have drifted apart we have always come back to each other and it’s felt like no time has passed. The guy has come all the way from Vancouver to be with us today so if you could all laugh politely at his jokes in case he wants his air fare refunding I’d really appreciate it. Dude, you’re awesome and bloomin well love ya. Which is why I ask you all to toast with me,
As I mentioned, we do have 3 children who I think we can both agree make life a more entertaining and frustrating place in equal measure.Mason and Alfie look awesome in their little suits and while they aren’t making an active contribution to the wedding it has to be said it wouldn’t be the same wedding without them.
Ruby I’m pretty sure I’ve already told you that you look gorgeous but not when everybody was listening. You look amazing today sweet heart. Sam looks equally fantastic and we thank her from coming all the way from Barcelona to perform the duty she promised around two decades ago.
If you will please The bridesmaids
And so we come to my former crush, a woman i was pleased to call my friend, lucky enough to call my girlfriend, honored to call my fiancé and over joyed to call my wife. It is possible that Jen would have succumbed to my advances sooner if only she had known they were happening. i once told her that i enjoyed walking through town with her because people might mistakenly think she was my girlfriend. Thats a pretty heavy flirt right there, nothing. Eventually i had to be more blunt and eventually got my message across. I persued her for months, stalkers have been arrested for less but i just had to have her. Then one day when i had about given up hope and had gone out drinking to throw myself at the first woman even vaguely interested or drunk enough i got a phone call. Jen was in that night having a chinese takeaway with Gayle, the takeaway came with a fortune cookie not dissimilar to the those on your tables tonight. Jen had called me to accept my obsessive chasing as the beginnings of a relationship. The message inside will forever be remembered by someone, i’m not sure who but it’s neither of us. The truth is the words were unimportant, they were interpreted in such a way by Jen that she had an epihany and acted on it and it is that telephone call that will forever be imprinted in my heart because those words came from her not from a piece of paper in a wafer.
Jen i love you, those three words don’t seem to be enough but i’m sure you know that every little thing that you do, babay i’m amazed by you.
She’s done a ridiculously amazing job organising me, the kids and the wedding and i hope you can all agree that she’s done a truly stellar job of it all. One last toast To my gorgeous bride