Part two of my Trilogy of posts about my personal experiences of child birth. I am a man, i acknowledge that my experiences of child birth in no way compares to the experiences of the woman giving birth but that does not mean that my experiences should not be written about, after all this is my website. Part one is here if you want to here what happened in the hours leading up to us leaving for hospital.

It turns out that despite the warning of the smiley midwife regarding the staffing levels (2 midwives instead of the scheduled 6) the level of care we received was pretty bang on. W were escorted to a room which was sizable, had lots of cupboards and machines and asked to make ourselves comfortable. We did the best we could after all this was a room where our son would be born and featured a not to comfortable chair and a hospital bed.

I’m wary of how much i disclose here as this is my experiences but a lot of the things i will be describing don’t happen to me they happen to Jen, i don’t want to upset her in any way so this may or may not be edited slightly.

What must have been going up for 10pm The smiley midwife came in to examine Jen, 4 centimetres was the result of the proclamation. I’d like to point out that at this point Jen was clearly experiencing discomfort but she was not screaming blue murder or anything (in short she was a trooper throughout). Our options were explained, we could either go home for a bit and come back later or Jen could go down to the ward, a ward where men are not allowed at night so i would have to leave. Neither of these options sounded appealing to us, Jen did not want to be left alone quite understandably and neither of us wanted to go home as the town resembled Narnia during the White Witches reign. I think Smiley midwife guessed what we were thinking and said she would give us a minute to think and left the room. While we discussed these rubbish options smiley midwife returned and said it wasn’t that busy so she could give us an hour in the room to see if things progressed, fantastic I don’t have to leave Jen on her own all is well. The following hour and a half passed without a visit from Smiley. This hour was far from event-less as Jen was experiencing contractions throughout but in Labour terms there was nothing to write about.

Smiley returned and examined Jen, 6 was the update which meant we could stay hoorah for Smiley her negotiation skills and poor time keeping. The time is approximately 11.30pm now, Jen is being amazing and i am being a completely useless man, but from what i hear that’s pretty much my expected role. I was holding Jen’s hand rubbing her back, telling her i love her all the usual and expected stuff. I don’t know how other expectant fathers feel at this point but i was doing these things out of lack of comprehension at what else to do. The truth being there probably is very little else you can do, you cannot ease her pain, you cannot do any of it for her and you certainly can’t make it stop, so what do you do? If anyone who has been through this can tell me I’d love to know, really i would but as it stands i continued to feel like a spare part.

The next hour brought a massive increase to the length and intensity of the contractions. Jen would ask me to get Smiley for some pain relief during the contraction and then as it faded she would tell me not to. This made me feel like i had something to do, as tiny a task it it may be and then not have anything to do again. I kept asking if she was sure she was ok without the pain relief and if she wanted it then i would get it for her. Yeah i was grasping at straws in a mix of wanting to feel part of the experience, helping Jen get through it and realising that it was all her, she had to do it pretty much by herself but maybe if i talk enough crap she won’t realise this and maybe it would be more bearable for her as a result.

Truth is i was a bit scared, i have never seen Jen in that much pain and unless we have another baby i never want to see her in that much pain again. It’s not just a feeling of helplessness but also the pure horror of seeing the woman you love in what seems like agony and being completely powerless to stop it, and that is scary. I have a bit of a protective nature and always have, my size gives me the advantage of being able to prevent people starting fights with my friends, yeah i like that, it’s a power thing and in moderation who doesn’t like a bit of power. Powerless however sucks, and it sucks real bad and that is how i felt that night.

Jen finally got to a point where she decided the pain was to much and she needed relief. I went to the nurses station (what am i, American) or whatever it’s called in the UK to see everybody eating take away pizza, man i was jealous. I informed somebody that Jen wanted pain relief and was informed i should return to the room and press the button, doubtless the only reason this system was put in place was to avoid prospective dad’s seeing pizza. Button pressed and here comes Smiley, I explained Jen’s pain relief of choice was Pethadine. Smiley asked if Jen just wanted to try gas and air for a bit, Jen answered that in no uncertain terms she wanted something more than just gas and air, however she did accept gas and air until the drugs came. Smiley returned with an injection which apparently was agreed with Jen would not be Pethadine but Diamorphine, i don’t know what i was doing when this was discussed but i don’t recall that conversation.

Obviously painful contractions continued for about ten minutes at which point Jen said she felt the need to push, button pressed and Smiley arrives and examines Jen and with surprise in her voice states “well that woman’s Epidural will have to wait, your fully dilated”. The next five minutes were a blur, Smiley took on the guise of Tommy Lee Jones in Volcano and started barking orders at me. Me, why is she telling me to do things, I’m the dad not a staff member. She asked me to fetch a thingy from the cupboard, take a wotsit from the doofer and move the hoojit to the side of the doodlebop. Truth is i have no idea what she asked me to do i just remember that i did it. The last of her orders was to press the call button. I stood by the side of Jen holding her hand and watching Smiley at the business end of birth. She looked at me and asked if I’d pressed the button, i had but nobody had come. Apparently i had incorrectly pressed the button (god knows how that is possible) so Smiley pressed it and within seconds a baby catcher (i know i envision a baseball catchers mitt too) appeared in the room.

Mason’s head was visible, i could not help but watch, it was indescribable but in a really good way, Smiley’s hand was cupped near the top of Mason’s head ready to hold his head and I’m guessing support his neck and head from flopping. I’ve heard that a lot of men are freaked out and even put off sex as a result of seeing a baby being born. I can’t see how they could view it as anything less than amazing, if i were religious i would call it a miracle but I’m not and Atheism does not afford us a word of that magnitude but if it did, this would be that word. Then i panicked, Jen asked me later why i didn’t cry because she expected me too, i didn’t cry because our baby was blue and the cord was round his neck and my brain went to a really bad place. I asked if he was ok probably with an inflection of fear in my voice, Smiley just answered “yeah he’s fine, it’s really common” all the while unravelling the cord from round his neck. He was placed on Jen’s chest and he started to cry, it was the best most relieving sound i have ever heard in all my days of existence.

I was asked to cut the cord with the instruction “press down really hard as it is really gristley” i took this to mean Press down really hard in one motion. I was pressing really hard, the baby catcher gave me no further instructions then after a few seconds the job was taken away from me as it needs to be done quickly. Baby catcher then used a Scissor action to cut the cord, i felt robbed, misinformed and duped out of cutting my son’s cord. Her instruction’s weren’t clear and she offered no support while i was trying. This really upset me at the time as i’m sure you can imagine but as time has gone by i have realised the lack of importance this has over our son being healthy.

We have a son, he’s a small, wrinkly, fleshy, little bundle of crying but he is the most gorgeous small, wrinkly, fleshy, little bundle of crying ever and i instantly fell in love with him. Smiley said she needed to go do the other woman’s Epidural and baby catcher claimed she would return with tea and toast which i presumed was an odd joke but turned out to be a real thing. All the while Mason was laid on Jen’s chest gurgling and looking quite content with his weird little hat on. After tea and toast and the reccomendation that Jen have a bath i was left alone with my son. Just me and him it could have been a beautiful movie style moment, but i’m an idiot so it wasn’t.

If you want to find out why you will have to wait for the final part of this trilogy.