It’s been a very long time since I made the first two posts in the trilogy of childbirth from my point of vue which I apologise for but I think posts I’ve made in the meantime go some way to explaining why this is the case.

Anyways, where was I? Oh yeah, it’s just me and my son.

Jen was on her way for a bath, it was the early hours of the morning we were both completely shattered, especially Jen as essentially I had been a spectator for the last few hours. We had already commented on the fact that Mason could already hold his head up. Maybe it was this, perhaps it was fatigue, maybe I just didn’t think at all but I tried to hold Mason on my shoulder. Not my wisest decision to date by any means. Mason seemed fine at first but all of a sudden his entire body weight flicked away from my body. I scrambled to prevent Mason back flipping out of my grasp, I panicked and my hands seemed unable to get a proper hold of him. He seemed to be slipping through my fingers. In my head this lasted forever and resembled an American Football player fumbling the ball and trying desperately to regain control, in reality it was doubtful that it was anywhere near as dramatic.

Either way it scared the living crap out of both me and Mason, he started crying and I wasn’t far off myself. I held him close to me for comfort again as much for me as for him. I was overwhelmed by emotion, my son was barely an hour old and I just almost dropped him 6 feet. I felt like I wasn’t worthy of being a father, Mason stopped crying and I placed him in his bed. I sat down and looked at him then held my head in my hands. I was tired, emotional and scared and it all got a bit to much for me. I gave myself five minutes to pull myself together, i knew I was going to be a good dad and that this was just an accident. Im sure that through my life I’ll make many more mistakes and accidents will happen but I think the fact that I would never intentionally do anything to hurt my family is the important thing to remember.

Jen finished her bath and came back through to the room. I chose not to tell her about what had happened as I was still at that point unable to deal with the potential damage I could have done. Needless to say she does now know as I realised she wouldn’t think any less of me for being human.

Due to low staffing on the ward several hours passed before we were informed that Jen would be staying in over night. The issue was that the midwife did not have enough time to fill in the paper work not that anything was wrong with Mason. I was unable to stay with her but could go down to the ward with her. On arriving at the ward we bumped into a friend who had her baby 15 minutes earlier, which was pretty spooky. I felt a bit more comfortable leaving Jen as she had a friendly face to talk to. I said goodbye to all and went home for a few hours sleep. I was exhausted, completely obliterated by the events of the day and yet completely wired. This did not prevent my sleep however.

The next morning I went to pick Ruby up from jen’s dads house where she had spent the night and was made a coffee and some toast which I was insanely grateful for. I couldn’t wait to introduce Ruby to her baby brother however and made light work of my toast so we could go to the hospital and pick up our new addition. I think it’s fair to say Ruby was completely in love with him from the second she laid eyes on him, this continues now and is 100% reciprocal. Mason will sit watching Ruby play with a large smile on his face and love visibly pouring out from his eyes. I don’t think I could be happier than I am with my life right now and part of this was experiencing the arrival of our son and sharing his life with Jen, Ruby and the rest of our extended families and friends.

This post was a lot shorter than the other two mainly due to he fact that a lot less happens in this period and partly because my memory is a little less accurate due to the passage of time. Basis is though that I’m a fricking idiot but I’m the luckiest fricking idiot on the face of the planet.

I haven’t been blogging a lot recently, in fact i haven’t been doing a lot of anything. The reason for this may or may not become clear during this post.

A couple of days ago i had ONE of the most epic days of my life, I highlight the word ONE in case anybody thinks i am putting this day above the day my son was born or any other meaningful event i have been involved in. It wasn’t the most important day of my life, but it’s right up there. It was my University graduation ceremony and was like nothing i have ever experienced before.

The day started much as any other, getting Ruby ready for nursery, feeding Mason etc, the kind of things i do without really thinking to much about them. They are routine yes but that is not to say that i see them as chores. Things ramped up however later in the day. I’m gonna skip to the end because the whole day is unnecessary and possibly a little narcissistic to describe in full.

Getting my robes put on was a weird feeling, and not just because the guy trying to put them on me was about 2 feet shorter than me. As soon as i had them on it was off for photos (at this point i have no idea what i look like, i havent seen myself at all). I stood in a que of people ready for my photo, i saw a girl from my course further up the line we waved at each other. Ten minutes and at least 5 buckets of sweat later i  was at the front ready for my picture. I wandered into the studio and was given instructions on where to stand, a man photographed me 3 times then said done. It all felt very unreal, as i walked back to find my family i bumped into some other people from my course and chatted briefly (i still haven’t seen myself). As i walked back to my family across the concourse my dad and Jen started snapping pictures of me walking towards them. As i reached them i asked for a camera so i could look at a picture they had taken of me. At least 6 photos were taken of me and several hundred people had seen what i looked like before i did which just felt weird. I don’t consider myself vein but the chances are that i never leave the house on any given day without walking past a reflective surface so not having any clue how i looked on this important day in my life was more than a little disconcerting.

The ceremony was really good, the Pro Vice Chancellor was really down to earth and apologised for all the formality that was necessary and then told everybody to make sure they cheer for people they knew. The lady reading names had an awesome voice she sounded like Moira Stewart, totally missed her calling as a newsreader. It was time to go up, i’d like to tell you i wasn’t nervous, i’d like to tell you i went up high fived the Pro Vice Chancellor and did a back flip, i’d like to tell you anything that happened between my name being read out and me sitting down but it was a complete blur. I think i was concentrating on not falling over so hard that i don’t recall it at all, the only thing i do remember is the big cheesy grin i had on my face as i sat down with my certificate in my hand. I’d done it.

The rest of the day was equally as blurry, some photos with friends, returned robes , quick drink and back home to Doncaster for a meal. It would have been nice to stay out and go drinking in Sheffield but reality kicks in, we have 2 kids and one of them had nursery the next day. I don’t feel like i missed out though, we had a lovely meal picked up the kids and then came home. I asked Jen if she needed anything doing as she pottered about getting ready for the following day, she told me to chill out. It occurred to me that my celebratory cigar was still in my suit pocket.

I walked out into the park across the road from our house, it was about ten o’clock. It was incredibly peaceful, i couldn’t hear a thing. As i wandered around smoking my cigar everything faded away, all my concerns at having no job, no money and owing several large faceless corporations this months money and probably some of last months to. I just didn’t care, for the half hour of pure, slightly light headed peace sitting on the swings, spinning the roundabout round and breathing clouds of cigar smoke into the atmosphere i just did not care about anything. My peace was broken by an eastern European gentleman asking me for a light and looking bemused by the size of my cigar as he lit his cigarette from it. I thought about the next day when reality would truly kick in and i faced the prospect of potentially signing on in order to get some form of income and then decided to worry about that tomorrow. Light droplets of rain started to hit me my face and clothing making my shirt a slightly darker shade of red as i walked slowly back to our house which had always been in sight and thought about going upstairs checking in on Ruby, climbing into bed and holding my gorgeous girlfriend while watching Mason’s chest rise and fall in the cot by our bed. Yes we have got a lot of problems at the minute, but I’ve got a hell of a lot to be happy about too.

Yesterday was D Day, the D could stand for Destiny, it could also stand for Delightful and it may even be said to stand for Desmond but what it definately stands for is Degree.

Yesterday morning started much as any other iPhone release day. Me being jealous of people getting their new iPhones but aside from that the morning was much like any other. I dropped Ruby at nursery and came home to faff about with things and play XBOX. We had decided to go through to Sheffield as a family day out and picnic in Endcliffe Park. The day wasn’t as gorgeous as was predicted but the weather stayed niceish and got nicer. The park was great fun and Ruby especially loved the stepping stones over the river. There was no escaping the time creeping towards 3.30 though so we packed up and headed to Uni to get the results of 4 years hard work.

My journey into education started when I suffered a series of panic attacks at work. I was advised to avoid returning to my job if possible as it may be the cause of the stress. Six weeks off work gave me time to think about my life and make some decisions to change it. I couldn’t avoid going back to work but I could go back part time and go to college. I was never interested in going to Uni first tine round, which was good because I couldn’t have if I wanted to. I got 3 C’s 3 D’s and 3 E’s at GCSE hardly university material, I had no idea what to do with my life. I was 16 I had disappointed myself and my family because I hated school. All this being said A levels then Uni was the wrong route for me, I’m glad I waited till later in life. It was tough, I’ve had a lot on my plate over the last 3-4 years including the birth of my son while in the middle of an important piece of Uni work but I’ve never failed a unit, never had a resit and now I have a gorgeous family, a degree and a career path to show for it.

I’m proud of my accomplishments and can’t wait for the next chapter of mine and my familys livse to begin.

On the 3rd of June I had my final exam at Uni. That’s it, I’m completely finished, no more nights spent in the library finishing essays, no more revision for exams and no more role play in class. It seems completely unfathomable that it’s all over, it’s been such a huge part of my life for 3 years and the previous year at college too. I’ve made new friends, learned new things and gained new experiences but most of all I will now have (if I pass) a career path!!! Something i’ve never had, I’ve just bumbled around from job to job and that’s exciting and a little bit scary too. I’m going to be a social worker, this is a job title that stirs up very strong feelings in some people and quite frankly that will possibly be the smallest issue that I face on a daily basis. As much as I am a little scared by my future line of work I can’t wait to get stuck in and start using the tools I’ve been equipped with over the last few years. I’ve applied for a couple of jobs and am currently waiting to find out if I have an interview.

At the same time as being excited to move on I’m a little sad to be leaving Uni behind. After the exam pretty much everybody went to Bar One at the union and much alcohol was consumed while chatting about the past and about the future too. I will really miss hanging out with all my Uni friends and I am hoping to keep in touch with many of them but will definately keep in touch with a few. We get our results on the 24th of June which is not very far away at all. It is coincidentally the release of the iPhone 4 which I really badly want but don’t want an 18 month contract as that means I can’t have the iPhone they bring out next year. Another part of me feels that if I got it on release day as well as my results it would be extra specially awesome.

This summer is shaping up to be a hell of a lot better than last year already just because I have some part time work already in place which is great. Last year I had one days work in the 18 weeks I had off, hopefully I will have a job sooner than that this year and money is certainly a factor as we are moving house in a few months, there are now two children to feed and put clothes on as opposed to one and I’ve been supported by Jen for the last two and a half years so it’s time I returned the favour when her paid maternity ends. Everything is looking very positive so far though and other than Ruby having chicken pox all is well at home, I’ve never been happier.

I’ve said in the past that I find it difficult to diet without exercising at the same time. I think it must be that they compliment each other so much that to do one without the other seems wrong in some way. With this in mind I was planning on starting up my running program again alongside a diet. I had got quite far through the running program before I stopped due to essays and exams stress kicking in and it just becoming the last on a long list of things to think about. Jen has decided that she wants to lose a few pounds, I hasten to add that I don’t feel she needs to and have told her so but she says it would make her happier to lose a couple of pounds so I support her in this. She did however decide to start this diet on Saturday! I told her Monday was the day to start diets, everybody knows that but she was determined. I decided to not start till Monday anyway but found that because we spend so much time together (she is still on maternity and I have just finished Uni) that I too started dieting. We both have downloaded calorie counting apps for the iPhone and I think seeing what calories she has left alongside her obvious determination has helped her to stick with the diet. What’s really helped me is having her do it with me.

I will not be discussing Jens success other than to say she’s doing really well as it is not my place to talk about it. I however have lost six pounds since starting on Sunday. Week one losses are always bigger so I’m not expecting to maintain this rate of loss but am happy with my progress this far. I intended to start running on Monday but Sunday night I just couldn’t sleep at all. I always run early morning before the kids wake up (between five and 6 usually) so a 3am bedtime meant there was no chance of this happening at all. No worries says I, I will just start tomorrow. Yet again this was a no go, Ruby woke up early not very well. She’s got chicken pox. This irritated me greatly (me not running not Ruby being ill) as Wednesday is no day to start a 3 times a week with a rest day between running program. During Monday I discovered an app for the iPhone, and it’s related website that trains you to do 100 press ups in 6 weeks, I figured this would be perfect for my none running days to build back up some upper body strength. I started Monday and today my arms are aching like buggery, no pain no gain though so I will do day 2 today and keep you updated on my progress. I will start running next Tuesday, I will… Probably

Not posted on my blog for some time now so thought i would explain to anybody (nobody) that reads it and doesn’t know that i’m trying to finish my degree right now.

Got a lot on my plate in the form of essays to finish writing, exams to revise for trying to find gainful employment for after i qualify and not neglect my family in the process. I feel i may be falling short on the latter of these as i have moved to Sheffield for the entirety of this week and most of last week in order to study.

Jen is however amazing and realises that it is only a couple of weeks which matter not in the grand scheme of things so all, i hope, is well.

Thats it for the worst blog post ever, apologies to anyone who is waiting for part 3 of my trilogy of posts but as soon as i finish all this University malarky i will be able to finish it and get it posted.

Part two of my Trilogy of posts about my personal experiences of child birth. I am a man, i acknowledge that my experiences of child birth in no way compares to the experiences of the woman giving birth but that does not mean that my experiences should not be written about, after all this is my website. Part one is here if you want to here what happened in the hours leading up to us leaving for hospital.

It turns out that despite the warning of the smiley midwife regarding the staffing levels (2 midwives instead of the scheduled 6) the level of care we received was pretty bang on. W were escorted to a room which was sizable, had lots of cupboards and machines and asked to make ourselves comfortable. We did the best we could after all this was a room where our son would be born and featured a not to comfortable chair and a hospital bed.

I’m wary of how much i disclose here as this is my experiences but a lot of the things i will be describing don’t happen to me they happen to Jen, i don’t want to upset her in any way so this may or may not be edited slightly.

What must have been going up for 10pm The smiley midwife came in to examine Jen, 4 centimetres was the result of the proclamation. I’d like to point out that at this point Jen was clearly experiencing discomfort but she was not screaming blue murder or anything (in short she was a trooper throughout). Our options were explained, we could either go home for a bit and come back later or Jen could go down to the ward, a ward where men are not allowed at night so i would have to leave. Neither of these options sounded appealing to us, Jen did not want to be left alone quite understandably and neither of us wanted to go home as the town resembled Narnia during the White Witches reign. I think Smiley midwife guessed what we were thinking and said she would give us a minute to think and left the room. While we discussed these rubbish options smiley midwife returned and said it wasn’t that busy so she could give us an hour in the room to see if things progressed, fantastic I don’t have to leave Jen on her own all is well. The following hour and a half passed without a visit from Smiley. This hour was far from event-less as Jen was experiencing contractions throughout but in Labour terms there was nothing to write about.

Smiley returned and examined Jen, 6 was the update which meant we could stay hoorah for Smiley her negotiation skills and poor time keeping. The time is approximately 11.30pm now, Jen is being amazing and i am being a completely useless man, but from what i hear that’s pretty much my expected role. I was holding Jen’s hand rubbing her back, telling her i love her all the usual and expected stuff. I don’t know how other expectant fathers feel at this point but i was doing these things out of lack of comprehension at what else to do. The truth being there probably is very little else you can do, you cannot ease her pain, you cannot do any of it for her and you certainly can’t make it stop, so what do you do? If anyone who has been through this can tell me I’d love to know, really i would but as it stands i continued to feel like a spare part.

The next hour brought a massive increase to the length and intensity of the contractions. Jen would ask me to get Smiley for some pain relief during the contraction and then as it faded she would tell me not to. This made me feel like i had something to do, as tiny a task it it may be and then not have anything to do again. I kept asking if she was sure she was ok without the pain relief and if she wanted it then i would get it for her. Yeah i was grasping at straws in a mix of wanting to feel part of the experience, helping Jen get through it and realising that it was all her, she had to do it pretty much by herself but maybe if i talk enough crap she won’t realise this and maybe it would be more bearable for her as a result.

Truth is i was a bit scared, i have never seen Jen in that much pain and unless we have another baby i never want to see her in that much pain again. It’s not just a feeling of helplessness but also the pure horror of seeing the woman you love in what seems like agony and being completely powerless to stop it, and that is scary. I have a bit of a protective nature and always have, my size gives me the advantage of being able to prevent people starting fights with my friends, yeah i like that, it’s a power thing and in moderation who doesn’t like a bit of power. Powerless however sucks, and it sucks real bad and that is how i felt that night.

Jen finally got to a point where she decided the pain was to much and she needed relief. I went to the nurses station (what am i, American) or whatever it’s called in the UK to see everybody eating take away pizza, man i was jealous. I informed somebody that Jen wanted pain relief and was informed i should return to the room and press the button, doubtless the only reason this system was put in place was to avoid prospective dad’s seeing pizza. Button pressed and here comes Smiley, I explained Jen’s pain relief of choice was Pethadine. Smiley asked if Jen just wanted to try gas and air for a bit, Jen answered that in no uncertain terms she wanted something more than just gas and air, however she did accept gas and air until the drugs came. Smiley returned with an injection which apparently was agreed with Jen would not be Pethadine but Diamorphine, i don’t know what i was doing when this was discussed but i don’t recall that conversation.

Obviously painful contractions continued for about ten minutes at which point Jen said she felt the need to push, button pressed and Smiley arrives and examines Jen and with surprise in her voice states “well that woman’s Epidural will have to wait, your fully dilated”. The next five minutes were a blur, Smiley took on the guise of Tommy Lee Jones in Volcano and started barking orders at me. Me, why is she telling me to do things, I’m the dad not a staff member. She asked me to fetch a thingy from the cupboard, take a wotsit from the doofer and move the hoojit to the side of the doodlebop. Truth is i have no idea what she asked me to do i just remember that i did it. The last of her orders was to press the call button. I stood by the side of Jen holding her hand and watching Smiley at the business end of birth. She looked at me and asked if I’d pressed the button, i had but nobody had come. Apparently i had incorrectly pressed the button (god knows how that is possible) so Smiley pressed it and within seconds a baby catcher (i know i envision a baseball catchers mitt too) appeared in the room.

Mason’s head was visible, i could not help but watch, it was indescribable but in a really good way, Smiley’s hand was cupped near the top of Mason’s head ready to hold his head and I’m guessing support his neck and head from flopping. I’ve heard that a lot of men are freaked out and even put off sex as a result of seeing a baby being born. I can’t see how they could view it as anything less than amazing, if i were religious i would call it a miracle but I’m not and Atheism does not afford us a word of that magnitude but if it did, this would be that word. Then i panicked, Jen asked me later why i didn’t cry because she expected me too, i didn’t cry because our baby was blue and the cord was round his neck and my brain went to a really bad place. I asked if he was ok probably with an inflection of fear in my voice, Smiley just answered “yeah he’s fine, it’s really common” all the while unravelling the cord from round his neck. He was placed on Jen’s chest and he started to cry, it was the best most relieving sound i have ever heard in all my days of existence.

I was asked to cut the cord with the instruction “press down really hard as it is really gristley” i took this to mean Press down really hard in one motion. I was pressing really hard, the baby catcher gave me no further instructions then after a few seconds the job was taken away from me as it needs to be done quickly. Baby catcher then used a Scissor action to cut the cord, i felt robbed, misinformed and duped out of cutting my son’s cord. Her instruction’s weren’t clear and she offered no support while i was trying. This really upset me at the time as i’m sure you can imagine but as time has gone by i have realised the lack of importance this has over our son being healthy.

We have a son, he’s a small, wrinkly, fleshy, little bundle of crying but he is the most gorgeous small, wrinkly, fleshy, little bundle of crying ever and i instantly fell in love with him. Smiley said she needed to go do the other woman’s Epidural and baby catcher claimed she would return with tea and toast which i presumed was an odd joke but turned out to be a real thing. All the while Mason was laid on Jen’s chest gurgling and looking quite content with his weird little hat on. After tea and toast and the reccomendation that Jen have a bath i was left alone with my son. Just me and him it could have been a beautiful movie style moment, but i’m an idiot so it wasn’t.

If you want to find out why you will have to wait for the final part of this trilogy.

Time has been in short supply of late, what with University, some part time work that I needed to do before I sank financially and then of course family commitments which are my life right now and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Mason is now 10 weeks old and fit and well after his early bout of not gaining weight which scared the bejeebers out of me, I’m proud to say he’s now quite the chunky munky. But what I really want to talk about is child birth or rather my experiences of it and not in a “ooooh it’s so hard for the man” kind of sexist piggy kind of way… I hope.

Firstly we felt like we had been waiting forever, we were convinced he would be early which meant the closer it got to his due date the worse it felt and then after his due date it was even worse. If I can give any advice to any couple it would be to not tell anybody that you think your child will be early, i lost it on facebook one day because everybody knew we thought he would be early and would ask if he was here yet which added to our frustration. If I were to give any advice to friends of people expecting a baby I would say don’t keep asking if the baby is here yet, believe me when the baby does come you will find out one way or the other.

Anyhoo 6 days after the due date mild (and when I say mild that’s not me taking anything away from Jen it’s just they are mild by comparison) contractions started in the afternoon. It’s hard to relate to what’s going on as a man because the most logical comparison of the way this feels is apparently really bad period pain, in addition to this Jen had these feelings before several times so your in a weird state of prepared for everything and nothing at the same time. During this period a none the wiser three year old is running around and you don’t want to alert them to the fact that anything is wrong in case it freaks them out, it’s a false alarm or both. Then the point came that Jen knew it was the real thing, I’d like to think I would be as calm as her if I were in her shoes, I’d also like to think that i was as calm as her after she shared this knowledge with me. I’d like to think I had the body of an Adonis too but I also know that this is not the case.

Jen asked me to ring her dad to come pickup Ruby. Everything became very real very quickly but before the reality a brief moment of nothing. If somebody told you that you had won a million pounds that information would not sink in straight away, your brain would take a moment to process that A. somebody had just won a million pounds and B. that person was you and this is how I think I felt at that moment. If it were the movie of my life (TV Movie or straight to DVD of course) the screen would go soft focus and blurry round the edges and the sound would be muffled with a very slow pull to a wide shot then snap back in to a tight shot with clear sound and visuals. That kind of disconnectedness that must have only lasted .54153394 of a second before that amazing I’ve won a million pounds/ we are going to have a baby feeling kicked in.

Two whole hours have passed in which period checks were being made (clothes, nappies etc), hands were being held and grimaces of discomfort and pain were being made. Its now 9pm on Tuesday the 5th of January 2010, I don’t know if you were in or around South Yorkshire on that date i also don’t know if you remember the weather on that date, but i do. There was a lot of cold wet white stuff on the floor and more of it was falling from the sky. The car was covered in it and needed warming up and de snowing ready for our trip to the hospital. The roads were slippy and quiet, snowy nights like that always remind me of the BBC kids drama from my childhood called “The box of Delights”. The hospital is not far away from our home and we got there within ten minutes and were greeted by a very smiley and friendly midwife who informed us that due to the weather they were under staffed and (her words) “i apologise in advance for the level of care you are likely to receive”. I think in anybody’s book of “comforting things to say to a woman in labour” these words would not feature.

In order to keep the post size down i figured i would split this into before, during and after so this is as suggested by the title part 1 of 3

Last night I was laid on the living room floor on my back. When I do this Ruby likes to climb on like I am a piece of playground equipment. We started playing a game which involved Ruby standing on my chest then diving superman style over my head at which point I catch her, lower her slowly to the ground over my head the pick her back up and stand her on my chest again. This was repeated over and over and over again, today my triceps are screaming.

This made me think about other games I could create that would be fun
for a toddler and beneficial for me as a workout. The idea then
continued as being a great DVD aimed at parents who have little time
to go to a gym but could do these exercises while playing with their
kids, of course I understand that just taking part in play activities
with your kids is exercise but the idea was to isolate muscle groups
to make it more effective.

Then my Brain went a step further and thought about possible
implications of the whole idea being inappropriate and potentially
having a backlash against it.

I tell you what, that was a busy 5 minutes on the train this morning I
was rich and famous for a brief period but hey ho.

Wasn’t sure whether to blog about this or not but it’s my life and that’s what the blog is about so here we go.

Today i got a call from Jen while at work, it was a hideous call. The long and the short of it is that our son hasn’t gained any weight since birth nearly three weeks ago. He and Jen are in the hospital for the night allegedly under observation but looks like they ain’t doing diddly squat till the morning. I feel like the most pointless and useless person alive right now cos there is nothing i can do other than offer moral support to Jen. What she must be feeling right now must be hideous.

I hated leaving them in Hospital and i hate that i have to go to work tomorrow because it isn’t really a job it’s my uni placement and i cant have any time off. Plus even if i could i can’t because it’s the last 2 weeks of placement and i need to get all my work finished. Nothing is more important to me than my family of course but doing anything to Jeopardise my degree so close to the end would be foolish as it’s my family I’m doing this for so i can give us all the lives we deserve.

This is all a bit rambly but i needed to write it as a form of release, therapy if you will so that I’m not bottling it all up.

Anyway I’m going to crawl into bed and put a movie on to fall asleep to. Night folks.

P.S. ask me why Tesco are a bit ridiculous tomorrow or in a few days or something.